February 14, 1995 was an uncomfortable day. I\u2019d been dating a very nice girl for a while and our relationship was progressing. As I thought about what to give her, my heart filled with dread. It\u2019s not that I couldn\u2019t think of a gift, it\u2019s that I couldn\u2019t think of what to write on the card that went with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My challenge was sincerity. I knew that she wanted, hoped for, and maybe even expected me to say \u201cI love you,\u201d but I just couldn\u2019t write the words. Until then I didn\u2019t need to decide if I loved her\u2014just if I wanted to go out again. The blank card staring up at me forced the issue. The moment called for something that I didn\u2019t have. I ended up breaking up with her that Valentine\u2019s Day. Not because I didn\u2019t care or because I was a jerk (she might debate that), but because in that crucial moment, I either had to fake it or tell the truth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Twenty-six years have passed and I\u2019ve spent most of those happily\nmarried. I\u2019ve learned the three most\nimportant words in a relationship might be \u201cI love you,\u201d but \u201cI am sorry\u201d are a\nclose second. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
People aren\u2019t perfect and sometimes we do and say things that are thoughtless, insensitive, or selfish. Communication can\u2019t continue when respect has been damaged. If I interrupt you and question your intelligence, the conversation is no longer about which vendor to use or how to solve a budget dilemma, it\u2019s about respect. We may continue to talk about vendors or budgets, but like dueling enemies, the topic is just the selected weapon of the engagement. Today it\u2019s pistols at 20 paces, next time it might be sabers. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I once saw this dynamic with a group of engineers on an\nimportant project. One engineer was\nbrilliant and belittled the ideas of others. \nHis ideas were clearly the best, but the other engineers tore them down. On the surface it appeared to be a two-hour\nproblem-solving session. In reality, it\nwas a you-can\u2019t-treat-us-that-way-because-we\u2019re-smart-too-and-can-crush-you\nsession. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
When we\u2019ve pushed too hard or been a little too thoughtless,\nthe right solution is to apologize. When\ndone well, it repairs respect and gets communication back on track. So, what makes an apology effective? Let me share the well-known answer with a\nquote from Jean Giraudoux.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“The\nsecret of acting is sincerity. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Let me add to the idea of sincerity by sharing a few things\nI see that reveal a corrupt motive for apologizing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n