Carol Kinsey Goman

He’s the boss, she’s bossy. He’s assertive, she’s domineering. He strategizes, she schemes.

He’s powerful and likeable, she’s powerful or likeable.

As males rise in rank and status at work, they retain (and often increase) their perceived likeability – so they can be both powerful and likeable. The Double-Bind Paradox states that women must project authority in order to advance in the business world, but the more powerful they appear, the less they are liked. Catalyst, an organization that studies women in leadership, calls this the “dammed if you do, doomed if don’t” dilemma. Their research shows that women in power can be seen as capable or likeable — but rarely both.

Blame it on the stereotypes we hold of women as nurturing, sensitive and collaborative, When their behavior is congruent with these traits, women are liked, although not seen as especially powerful. When their behavior runs counter to the stereotype, they are perceived more negatively. A frequently cited Harvard Business School study, the Heidi/Howard case, shows that when the same highly assertive and successful leader is described to grad students (of both genders), that person is seen as far more appealing when given a male name instead of a female one.

Does that mean that female leaders are indeed “dammed or doomed” as Catalyst suggested? Well, maybe not.

One encouraging possibility that addresses this bias comes from another study at Stanford Graduate School of Business that found businesswomen who are assertive and confident, but who can turn these traits on and off depending on the social circumstances, get more promotions than either men or other women. This research suggests the most successful women have developed a strategic ability to read a situation and alter their behavior accordingly.

Here’s where body language comes in.

When working with a leader, followers continuously and unconsciously assess her nonverbal signals for warmth (empathy, likeability, caring) and authority (power, credibility, status). So knowing how your body language cues are most likely to be perceived can be the first step to being able to move successfully from making one impression to the other.

Take head positions, for example. Head tilting is a signal that someone is listening and involved — and a particularly feminine gesture. As such, head tilts can be very empathetic and warm, but they are also subconsciously processed as submission signals. (Dogs tilt their heads to expose their necks, as a way to show deference to the dominant animal.) Remember to use head tilts when you want to demonstrate your concern for and interest in members of your team or when you want to encourage people to expand on what they are saying. But when you need to project power and confidence — when asking for a job promotion or giving a presentation to senior management — keep your head straight up in a more neutral (and authoritative) position.

Then there is the matter of posture. Status and authority are nonverbally demonstrated through claiming height and space. Watch the high-status males in your organization. They almost always expand into available space and take up room. So, when you want to project status, remember to stand tall, pull your shoulders back, widen your stance, and hold your head held high. On the other hand, when you want to display empathy or increase collaboration, you’ll also want to minimize your power signals, and replace them with warmer ones — forward leans, head nods, and aligned shoulders, torso, legs pointed toward whomever is speaking.

Gestures Send a Message

Gestures, too, send their own messages, and by paying attention, you can make sure they are sending the right message. Since early history, people showed their palms to one another to display the fact that they were unarmed – and therefore friendly. Open arms with palms showing indicate candor and inclusiveness, so they are very effective when you want to proclaim your sincerity or build trust in a group. Projecting confidence and certainty is achieved by “steepling” (finger tips touching, palms separated) or rotating your hands palms-down. Both gestures indicate that you are absolutely sure of your position. (Just watch that you don’t overuse them and weaken the impact.)

It’s a similar issue with physical animation. When you want to pull people into a discussion, stay animated in your facial expressions and use your hands as illustrators to make what you are describing more vivid. But when you want to maximize your authority, maintain more of a “poker face” and minimize your gestures by keeping them smaller and displaying most of them at waist height.

The obvious implication of the Stanford research for women who want to advance in their organizations is to master the ability to display competence and power when the situation requires it, and to signal warmth and empathy when it is most effective to do so. That’s how body language can help you defeat the Double-Bind Paradox.

Carol Kinsey Goman, Ph.D., is the president of Kinsey Consulting Services. She’s an international keynote speaker and an authority on the impact of body language on leadership effectiveness, and her passion is helping talented women build their leadership presence. Carol’s clients include over 200 organizations in 25 countries. Her programs for women leaders have been presented at events including European Women in Technology, Amazon, Women@Google, Expedia – Global Women’s Conference, Executive Women’s Forum, Stanford University, and UNC School of Government – Engaging Women in Public Service.

Carol is a leadership blogger for Forbes and the author of twelve business books including The Silent Language of Leaders: How Body Language Can Help – or Hurt – How You Lead. She has been cited as an authority in media such as Industry Week, Investors’ Business Daily, CNN’s Business Unusual, PBS Marketplace, the Washington Post’s On Leadership column, MarketWatch radio, and the NBC Nightly News.

Dr. Carol Kinsey Goman is presenting two programs for IMS in November in Los Angeles and Kansas City. Sign up to experience these highly interactive sessions.

It begins simple enough.  You have a mountain you dream of climbing.  It might be climbing an actual mountain, writing a book, changing careers, or maybe going to graduate school – who knows.  The goal seems possible, but terribly challenging. 

The weight of the goal makes you hesitate.  You delay.  The monster is born.  It dwells under your bed, watching you, waiting for the opportunity to maul your dreams. 

Your life continues and to the typical observer, all is well, but you know better.  The monster breathes so loud, you can’t ignore it.  You try to deal with it by saying that soon you’ll be ready to commit to the goal.  As soon as you finish that one thing!  It becomes clear you’re just delaying.  The monster continues to grow. 

The noise under the bed cripples your ability to sleep.  Fine!  You get up in the middle of the night and resolve to get it done.  You write the first draft of the first chapter or fill out the first few applications for graduate school.  The monster falls silent, watching to see what you’ll do.  You feel triumphant!

Quickly life encroaches, and you lose focus.  Every day at work there are endless fires to fight.  At home, a family who rightfully needs your attention.  You don’t actually write chapter one, let alone a second or third chapter.  The applications are never mailed.  The monster howls, relishing its victory.  It’s mocking you. 

The truth is that in life it’s far easier to make excuses, than to work extra hard for an extended period of time.  Your choice:  make excuses or make progress.  The trouble with excuses is that they are addicting.  Like drugs, they are an easy answer.  They might distract you, but they never solve the problem.

Here’s your call to action. 

Realize that most of your constraints are imagined.  They might pose a real challenge, but how you choose to view that challenge is entirely up to you.  Whether or not the glass is half full is your call to make. 

Next, realize that all big accomplishments are predicated on trying and failing.  Any learning curve will result in mistakes, setbacks, and screw-ups.  That’s just the natural process of learning.  It’s time to stop living in fear of other people knowing you’ve failed or that you’re imperfect.  Wear your learning moments like the badges of honor they are.

Be honest – what kind of life do you want to live?  When you’re in your last year and looking back on life, how would you like to summarize the journey?  There are two main choices.  You can say, “Hey, I avoided risks, was always careful, and never really failed in any significant way.  I survived.”  Or, you can say, “I tried a lot of things.  I enjoyed a few huge victories, and many defeats, but mostly I’m just happy I tried to chase my dreams.  I survived.”

What kind of survivor do you want to be?

Here’s how to arm yourself to slay the monster.  It starts with team planning.  If you have significant others, they need to know about your intentions, support you, and accept a plan moving forward that allows you to be dedicated to the goal (financially and logistically).  Very often, it takes a team to propel you forward.

Before you launch the plan, be sure you don’t try to re-invent the wheel.  Use your network, a coach, a mentor.  Go find people who have done what you’re dreaming of doing, or something similar.  Ask them what they wish they would have known before they began.  Ask for their wisdom. 

Plan for failure. 

If setbacks and mistakes are inevitable, plan for them.  For example, when a difficult unexpected moment happens during the journey, it helps to have a go-to routine.  Try some version of this:  spend a little time alone, choose not to make fast rash decisions unless utterly necessary, say to yourself that you knew this would happen – that it’s normal, and that it will fuel learning once you check the emotions and get focused on learning. 

Okay.  Now you’re ready.  It’s time to slay the monster.

Dr. Dewett is one of the world’s leading leadership personalities. Authenticity expert. Killer keynotes. TEDx speaker. Inc. Magazine Top 100 leadership speaker. Bestselling author at LinkedIn Learning. Over twenty million professionals can’t be wrong. Find out what all the fuss is about: www.drdewett.com.

Dr. Dewett is presenting five programs for IMS in June in Chicago, San Francisco, New Jersey, Washington D.C. and Toronto. Sign up to experience these terrific, interactive sessions.